Investigative Bible Study

Nikki at India 2008

I have been back home for a day or two. And it is harder than I expected.

I am heading back for Peru in two weeks. A little less than two weeks, and I am trying to see everyone. Which is a logistical nightmare. My family, my friends, people I love from my old job. And I can’t help but feeling a little sad. I feel sad because I have so many deep, and long, and really really good relationships here. So many. In just two and a half days I have encountered so many people that I love.

And now I am heading back to Peru. Where I also have people that I love.

[Editor's Note: Nikki lived with us at 1748 for about a year and has been a valued Associate with us at the FOCUS international student ministry. She writes a blog at http://nicolenoellehansen.blogspot.com]

But I can’t speak to them as well. And our relationship is not long, and it is not as deep, but I know that is where God has me. And I am excited about that.

I think I may not live in Portland much in the future. That I may live in another country some day. God has given me a desire to share his love, and compassion, and Jesus with others.

I am seeing before my very eyes every day in Albuquerque what Jesus can do in a hurting broken persons life. The kind of transformation he can bring. And I want to be apart of that. I think God wants me to be a part of that.

But part of me is having a hard time with that. The part of me that loves the people in Portland deeply. But it isn’t even just a part of me. It is my entire being that loves people in Portland, and it is my entire being that loves God and is committed to serving him wherever and however he wants me to.

And right now, God wants me in Peru. And I have a feeling that I will not be with the People I love here much longer. And so the entirety of who I am is having a hard time right now.

Nikki with PSU internationls from FOCUS

My friends and family are so great. They are so encouraging and supportive, but I also can sense it in their eyes, in their tears, in their voice that they will miss me. And my parents are crying all of the time. And last night they were crying on the couch as I sat between them and tried to hold to grown people in my arms. But not just tears, unabashed sobs of love for me. And i tried to comfort them. But I think only God can do that. Because I am the cause of their pain.

Even though they want me to go and follow God’s direction in my life. They are still sad. And I sit here crying as I type this. Because my mom and dad have always been so lovely to me. So generous, so good, so kind, so supportive, and so sacrificial.

My mind is thinking all of these things– “You are crazy. You are crazy to leave all of this. You don’t know what the future holds. You might not have a retirement, you might lose everything. You might not be safe. You have all of these people who love you here. How can you leave them?”

That is what I am feeling partially. But I also know, in the deepest part of me, that I am supposed to go to the Albuquerque for 9 more months, and that God has a plan for my life even though I don’t entirely know what it is.

I wrote to my good friend Jordan who is in Amsterdam teaching right now. He and his family have left their home to follow God. And he told me that “Of course you do care about them but following His voice should and must win out over every other.” And he is right. But it still makes me cry.

I keep coming back to this thing my youth pastor Mike said to my youth group in high school. “The logic of God changing our lives should lead us to an unabashed faith that looks like foolishness to the world.” I wrote it on a piece of wood and it has been in my room for probably 8 or more years now. I think right now I am experiencing this.

When I think about God, and Jesus, and what Jesus has done for my life, and for the lives of people I know, going to Peru, for me, is the logical response to God, and what he has done in my life. But it may look crazy to everyone else, and it may look foolish, and it may even look stupid or irrational. But even if i wanted to walk away, I cannot, because it is what God has for me for this next year. And one year is not that long.

But something like living in Peru and working with orphans, that may be what God has for me for more than a year.

I just don’t know, but I think we all can sense it. Sense that my life is going to be changing. And I am soooo excited and filled with joy to have God leading my life, but their is also a great cost involved. But I know and trust that God will be enough for me, for my friends, and for my family.

I know that there is joy to be had in following him. It has been that way in the past for me, and I know that God’s character will continue to be the same in my life in the future.

It is with much feeling that I write these things to you. If you pray, please pray for me and for those whom I love.

Author Profile:  Nikki is a world Christian, serving people in many countries. Currently she is part of an orphanage community in Peru. She has been an educator and community volunteer with FOCUS- Friends of Overseas Citizens and University Students, at Portland State University. She also lived at The 1748 House with Vic & Kathy for more than a year. You can read more from Nikki at her blog-- http://nicolenoellehansen.blogspot.com Read more from this author